Tonight was a very sad night. I learned horrific news about some local people I respected very much. I feel that I am easily fooled by the external suit of good character people ware from day to day. Life is so fragile, and the character we portray ourselves as become easily penetrated when true temptation inters our life.

Tonight, I learned that the life of two dance instructors whom I very much admired has been destroyed. The male dance instructor was found out for having an affair on his wife with a dancer. The wife of the male dance instructor, shortly after took her own life. This news stopped me in my tracks. I only hoped the person telling me such news was lying. Though, after I confirmed facts with legitimate sources they assured me the news is true.

I am speechless. I don't know what to feel. I am scared because really I don't feel anything. Am I suppose to be angry, hurt, sorry? I believe I am so shocked I do not feel any of that yet. I just can not believe it. This man was like the perfect grandfather, and this woman was your perfect grandmother. Older in age and well past any childish banter they taught very well together, they danced very well together, they seemed from their external... perfect for each other.



The worst part about this is they think the husband did it...

I think I am having a quarter life crisis.

I have been thinking about this for a little time and I have decided I really want a kid. Though, I don't want one right now but after school perhaps. Though, I really have no desire for a wife for the only reason I have little faith in marriage. I don't always understand how my parents are still together. If you have read anything I have written on this site before you know my experience with women is dismal. I could see myself becoming very tired of a woman quite easily and although I know a person can also become tired of having a kid, I do not believe I could ever stop loving my child. I think I would make a great dad in a few years. I could see myself adopting before marriage, if I ever did get married. Some people say it is better for a child to have two parents, a mother and a father and I believe that is true. Though just like with many situations that is taking into account only the idealistic lifestyle. Ideally it is wonderful to have a loving mother and a loving father who are married to one another and set a great example to live life by. But who are we kidding here? What makes me think that something I have never gotten right in the past 25 years is suddenly going to become the idealistic lifestyle in the next few years? I have been with women and fallen out of love with them (aka chosen not to love them any longer). With a child, though my patience would be tested and pushed I could never turn my back on someone that looked to me for their every need (Insert thought about Christ's love and ability to always forgive --- humbling). I... I... I just have this love inside of me that I need to give away, I need to devote into someone. See... and this is what is more important to me than anything else in the world. More important than my school, or work, or friends, this growing desire I have to unleash my love onto someone or at least a few individuals. I suppose it would be a desire to have a family. To raise a child and teach them from day one, to guide, mentor, and protect... it is worth more to me than anyone's life savings.

Thought.: I need to be okay with being single. I will go crazy trying to juggle 5 girls. I need to bring myself back to the basics.

Who am I? What are my goals in life? What can I do now to prepare myself for life, my wife, kids? What can I do to serve the people around me? What can I do to serve the world?

Basics are a good refresher.